I’m usualy answering questions not asking, especialy ones like this. Just thinking. I’m a smart person so please don’t give me guilt trip answers like how would your family or children feel. I know how it works. I know how people think. I’ve been dealing with this for a long time. I don’t go around telling people I want to die.I don’t want to hurt anyone, trust me, I know suicide hurts loved ones, I think about it daily. I am 32 years old (female) was married for almost 12 years still in the process of divorce, we still love eachother Don’t ask. Our 3 aweome boys are with dad on the other side of the country. No possible way I can go back right now. Don’t deal with the issue. I am just going down hill. I have allot of family here. This is the first time I have ever lived alone and have been for almost 2 years. have been struggling with mental illness all my life. Eating disorder for 14 years, depression, ADHD, OCD, Tourrette’s, Chronic insomnia the past 8 years. the list goes on. I am in treatment but am now on SSI and medicade to pay for my therapy which I am totaly embarrased about and it’s not right, I don’t feel right using public assistance. I don’t want to hear that I shouldn’t be. I’m not getting the help I need because of the stigma attatched to me, the only ones in my area getting the attention are the ones doing running around saying they want to hurt themselves for the attention when they really don’t. STUPID. I spend 85% of my time alone or more. All I know is being a mom. That’s gone right now. I have someone who cares about me. But I will never have that person Which makes my depression worse and thinking about my boys and that I can’t afford to go visit. Let’s see. I’m getting worse. I want to be happy I really do. I try to think "what can I do to get out of this"? But something happens and I go days with no sleep. My med provider is an ass and see’s me just as the rest of the people who go there and will not listen to me, He doesn’t see many or any I’m sure people like me, This is a small town. He see’s too many people and assumes everyone WANTS to be on meds and are seekers. I need something diffferent. He just won’t listen. Reguardless. I want to be happy CHANGE . I’m trying. Have been. Can’t . But trying. Tired of wondering every day "am I going to sleep"? Tired of waking up to another miserable day, knowing I am just going to have yet another one the next. BUT I have a life ins plan set. and the 2 year suicde clause is over. it’s just a matter of doing it. I bought the plan because I knew it was going to happen. I don’t want to. I’m scared to to fricken’ heck. I don’t want to die. but then I do. I want nothing more than to just go. It hurts so much to be here. And the only reason I am is because I can picture my mothers face when my brother did it. And my sons. I want to watch them grow. God it hurts. So don’t tell me about hurting people. I know all about it.There is one person that can help, But I don’t think he wants to. So if you have gotten this far, my question is. Why not? Why wake up another day to misery only to make others happy?
I’ve never talked about this to anyone. I can’t afford to. I can’t afford to have someone think I’m a danger to myself and be put away somewhere and loose my apartment. It’s all I have. That would just make things so much worse. But I’m scareing myself. I have never been this serious about it. To have been planning for the past year how to do it, researching the best ways. To make it look like an accident. Can’t talk about it in therapy. Can’t give myself away. Tired of acting. Just tired. Wish he would try a little harder. Why?
Oh I know. I have been reading allot about heaven and hell. LOL I have to be ready. Or really just want to know what’s going to happen to me. I understand that it may just be nothingness. But right now a neverending sleep sounds so much better. SLEEP. GOD.
I am on medication. Seriquel. Ativan. Concerta. Topimax. The Seriquel makes my heart race and skip which has put me in the ER a few time the past month. I have been on it for 7 years. I want off. The psyciatrist just tells me to eat better. I am on a heart monitor for a month. I forgot to mention. I get scared everytime I take it. But if I dont’ I don’t sleep. Can’t win.
Hi, NettyLouWho. Well, I won’t pretend that I have any magic answers for you- your situation sounds very complicated and difficult.
You have some pretty important reasons to keep on living- your mother and your "awesome" children. Your death, whether or not it appeared to be an accident, would cause them pain for the rest of their lives, and inflicting that sort of hurt on people you love must act as a huge disincentive for suicide.
On the other hand, you also have needs, and at the moment I don’t think they’re being met. It doesn’t sound like your psychiatrist is doing much for you other than prescribing meds, whereas you need someone to talk to openly so that you can start sorting out your life. You also sound as though you need something to look forward to so that your world doesn’t seem so negative.
I have a friend who has very serious physical disabilities and mental health health issues but who is highly intelligent (as you also appear to be). Over the past ten years he’s completed various educational qualifications to keep his mind occupied and to force himself to stay engaged in life. He also struggles with suicidal thoughts, but is determined to stay alive for the sake of his teenage children. He takes things a day at a time, but he always gives himself a new goal to strive for. It works for him, so maybe it can work for you, too. It could also lead to a whole new future for you- who knows?
From the look of some of the answers you’ve given to other people’s questions, you’re a young woman of great personality and humor. It’s hard to believe that you’re finished quite yet. Please keep fighting for a future- who knows what tomorrow may hold? Best wishes, sweetheart, Jenny.
suicide is never the answer weather u do talk to therapist i cant spell or not maybe it something good for you to talk to about some of ur problems ur having they can try other thing meds more therapy don’t commit suicide there are people who are out there that like you i don’t know you but we all have problems some more than other just talk to people open up i know its hard but its something needs to be done
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Because If you are religous you will suffer worse in hell. And if your not once your dead ur nothing. Dont let noone put u down ur life ur rulez.
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no things will get better are you on medicine and maybe you need to fin some roomates
if you want a friend you can email me
please dont take you life people love you !
and dont be embarrased about medicare alot of people have to
why dont you talk to that one person and tell him how you feel you never know until you ask
so just talk to him
god loves you you may not believe this but he oes and when you get out of this dark spot youll know this!
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please don’t kill yourself. I know what it’s like to want to do it but i never have. It will eventually get better. It doesn’t seem that way now but it will. Can you still call your kids and talk to them?
I don’t know if this answer helped because i’m not very good at talking to people about this kind of stuff. But i hope this helped.
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my god.
you’re not a happy bunny as us english say?
suicide is like any other decision you act upon. there’s no going back. Just imagine you’ve taken the pills, or jumped off the building, or whatever course of action you would choose to bring about your death. What if then, half way down the building, you suddenly realise you’ve made a mistake. Its too late then, and you’ll never have the choice to reverse your decision, and you’ll go off to wherever it is we go after life has left us. Its a desparate world, people in general don’t understand what it means to be you, and stupid arse doctors are even more guilty of this. but there will always be something, no matter how small, that’s worth seeing another day for. I know it wont feel like it now. But there is. Look at the sun, the stars, waves at a beach. They may just remind you of that which you’ve lost, or what you feel you’ve lost, for now. But life is beautiful, existence is awesome, and as far as we know its a one time deal. Your children will grow and while you may not see them for a while, day will follow day will follow day and eventually you will see them again. And they love you. The person you think is the answer is not. Love is the answer. and while there’s someone out there who loves you, you have more reason to live than you think.
Please don’t give up
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I understand your dilema. I really do. Whatever anyone says it will not be enough to convince you unless you can feel better inside.
The main thing here is about the suicide and whether you have any arguments that could dissuade you from doing this. I think at the moment your depression is blinding you rational and more optimistic side so it is hard for you to see the reasons to live. You know you will hurt your family. You know you shouldn’t kill yourself. But you see no way out. Do you believe that life will end with death in the sense of all problems vanishing/ Are you religious or just a bit spiritual?
Of course there are ways out of this mental hurdle. You mentioned that your brother commited suicide and so depression obviously runs in the family. You also dont see to be getting much support or proper care at the moment. I noticed you are defending your story a lot and you shouldn’t be.Have you needed to always try to explain yourself in fear people will judge you or not understand?
I completely understand your story. And this plan is a plan for you as a last resort, I believe. You want a way out but can’t see one and this is all you can find to rid yourself of pain.
I have to tell you- either in this life or the after life- problems follow us. Right now you have to surrender to something bigger than you. Even if you are’nt spiritual. Ask something ‘out there’ or ‘inside you’ for help. trust it. believe it. then i want to ask you to block any voices out that shout negativity. anything that suggests something bad, say ‘stop.’
do this as long as you can. whilst you do this, do something to distract your brain- a puzzle, something logical, concentrate only on this.
when you feel you can- start doing physical exercise- as hard as you can and just say ‘stop’ out loud to any bad ideas in your head. let the exercise flow and the seratonin balance your brain levels.
this is how i begun to come out of a nervous break down. the rest of it began with faith. it purely requires hard work but all you have to do is try to stop thinking of bad things. and just distract yourself as much as you can. you will desire to continue to think bad thoughts but try and push them out
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Hi, NettyLouWho. Well, I won’t pretend that I have any magic answers for you- your situation sounds very complicated and difficult.
You have some pretty important reasons to keep on living- your mother and your "awesome" children. Your death, whether or not it appeared to be an accident, would cause them pain for the rest of their lives, and inflicting that sort of hurt on people you love must act as a huge disincentive for suicide.
On the other hand, you also have needs, and at the moment I don’t think they’re being met. It doesn’t sound like your psychiatrist is doing much for you other than prescribing meds, whereas you need someone to talk to openly so that you can start sorting out your life. You also sound as though you need something to look forward to so that your world doesn’t seem so negative.
I have a friend who has very serious physical disabilities and mental health health issues but who is highly intelligent (as you also appear to be). Over the past ten years he’s completed various educational qualifications to keep his mind occupied and to force himself to stay engaged in life. He also struggles with suicidal thoughts, but is determined to stay alive for the sake of his teenage children. He takes things a day at a time, but he always gives himself a new goal to strive for. It works for him, so maybe it can work for you, too. It could also lead to a whole new future for you- who knows?
From the look of some of the answers you’ve given to other people’s questions, you’re a young woman of great personality and humor. It’s hard to believe that you’re finished quite yet. Please keep fighting for a future- who knows what tomorrow may hold? Best wishes, sweetheart, Jenny.
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Hi, If you would like someone to talk with send me a message or email, I’d be happy to communicate back and forth with you. You sound like you have a very "full plate", and I’d be happy to do what I can to help.
Best of Luck
Paul.
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